2014 Resolutions

resolutionI try not to make New Year’s Resolutions often.  I used to make a list in my journal and look back on it wondering why there are a couple I never follow through with.  They wind up on the list every damn year!  This year, I am not going to resolve to lose a certain amount of weight, finish a number of projects by 2015, fall in love, or save a crazy amount of money.

Some of those things I have no control over and some of them I do have some control over.  Sometimes, though, one simple promise to yourself can cause the rest of the things you want to change.

My 2014 Resolution is…Nurture Myself.  I definitely have control over that.

What the heck does that mean exactly?  I have spent my childhood (and some adult years) doing what everyone else wanted me to do.  I shut up and agreed, almost always!  I was trained to never say no.  I swallowed down so many emotions and arguments – always apologizing for things I didn’t do and always doing things I didn’t want to do.

By the time, I was heading to college, I would randomly start spitting things back at people, as if I couldn’t swallow another yes, you’re right or I’m sorry.  That always caught the spittee by surprise when I would suddenly break out into tears and remind them of that time in junior high when… you get the idea.

Even now at 30 (almost 31), I am finding out that no matter how vocal I think I am, I have so much crap needing to come out.  It’s time I spoke about these things, and not in random regurgitation, but when it’s appropriate.  It’s also time I spoke to a professional as well.  I am not ashamed to admit that I can’t do this on my own.

Writing has been my therapy my entire life.  It has done me wonders.  I can’t imagine what would have happened to that little girl without an outlet to express all her anger, all her pain, and how she wished for better things in her adult years, that her home life didn’t give her.  I am so fortunate to be who I am and do all the amazing things I am doing.  Still, there are some scars showing up that I never even knew I had.  Scary, but a relief to know what I now need to do to unblock the rest of my life.

By nurturing myself, I will stop swallowing my emotions.  Stop considering someone’s feelings before my own, when they obviously didn’t care about mine.  I deserve better.  I deserve love, protection, security and understanding.  I don’t want pity, excuses, allowances or to feel victimized.  I am not writing this for that nor am I seeking therapy for attention.  I am honest with whoever reads what I write because honesty brings out one’s best material, and it is such a release for me.  I feel empowered and brave by vocalizing and not stuffing it all back down my throat.

I am still the same happy-go-lucky woman, who’s motivated and excited for her next book, loves pop culture and has a positive outlook on life.  That’s always been who I am and that’s still me.  That doesn’t mean I am not dealing with tough feelings or that I had a 1950′s sitcom childhood.  It means that I fought to find happiness in other things.  And for that, I am truly proud of myself.

As I go on this journey in 2014 of digging deeply, I want to surround myself in self-love.  I am not going to beat myself up for things I always agonize over – splurging on sweets, not writing, or not doing more than 3 jobs at once.  It’s okay to just lounge around, watching TV in my pajamas with a bowl of ice cream sometimes (just as long as it’s not every day).  It has become clear to me that I put so much pressure on myself to be the epitome of discipline.  Am I a child still?  Apparently, my inner-self thinks so!  I even have rebellious outbursts on occasion by not doing anything I told myself to do and then am overcome with guilt.

NO MORE.  NO MORE. NO MORE.

Are you making any resolutions for 2014?  Share below.

*AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you see on my Facebook status that I’m in my pajamas for more than 2 days in a row, watching movies, and eating ice cream, please send back up!  I may have gone overboard on this resolution of allowing myself too many indulgences! ;-)