Abby Dwyer sits in bed admiring various wall art pieces during her move-in at Magnolia Hall, Wednesday, Aug. 14, 2024.
Eriksen Gomez Villeda / Daily Beacon
Whether you're transferring from across the country or staying at home, the transition to college can be an exciting and stressful time as students experience major life changes and have to learn all about a new world.
There are classes to think about, careers to pursue, social lives to enrich, and family back home (or downstairs) to remember.
But parents also go through life adjustments, explains UT parent Terra Goosey. Goosey has sent all three of her children to UT over the course of six years and has seen firsthand what students go through both when enrolling on campus and when attending college from home.
“I learned something from numbers one through three,” Goosey said during the Q&A. She reflected on her experience sending her children to college and offered advice to students and parents on how to better maintain relationships with one another.
*This interview has been edited for clarity.
Q: What was it like when your kids were in college?
A: I'm really excited and at the same time just sad because I know they're going to grow up and leave, even if they don't leave, they're going to leave.
Q: What was different about the kids who went to college compared to other kids?
A: I think one was focused on going to college and not really focused on the actual college experience. One was anxious about the size and the challenges — class size, school size, class assignments. One was probably excited to go to college and get out of home. And the third was probably a mix of both.
And so, of course, as parents, we all are, in the same way that when you have three kids you think you're least prepared for the first one and most prepared for the third.
Q: What's the best thing that's come from your child going to college?
A: The best part has been watching them try something new and seeing how the Lord has used it to mold them into the women and men they are now. Both the joys of college life, the joys of being there, and the struggles.
Q: What has been the hardest part about preparing your child for college?
A: Seeing all three of them go to extremes before finding a middle ground… I think it's human nature to go to extremes before settling down.
Q: How has your relationship with your kids been affected since they went to college?
A: I think it did strengthen our relationship in the end. But I think there's some grieving for the parent first because you have to let them go. You have to let them sort it out for themselves.
The thing is, some parents start that process before college starts, like we tried to do, but it's a different level, a different level of independence for the kids.
So I think our relationship was built, but if I had been too attached, it wouldn't have been built. I think it would have created a distance in our relationship.
Q: What advice would you give to students?
A: Be careful not to go to extremes. This includes studying. Don't immerse yourself too much in books. Don't immerse yourself too much in activities. It's not good to tell your child, “You can't drink alcohol.” Just be careful to do everything in moderation.
Don't forget your parents. Don't forget that they miss you. Send them an emoji. Send them something.
I remember we were asking for “proof of life”. That's POL. Honestly, if I got an emoji or a gif or whatever from them, I'd be like “Oh, they're alive and they care if I'm alive”. Don't forget about them.
Q: Any advice for parents?
A: You have to give your kids freedom. Even if you're paying for their education, you can't micromanage them. It's common with parents who are paying most of their kids' tuition out of their own pocket, but they still feel entitled to micromanage everything.
If you are, you're creating an unhealthy dependency. You're telling your children that they can't do that. Communicate with them, but only reach out to them, maybe once a week, and let them come to you.
But of course, there are differences. Some kids want and need more, and they will reach out. Really listen to what your child needs, not what you think they need.
In fact, what has helped the most is to pray consistently — pray for my children every single day, even if it means getting up at 3 a.m. to do so.
And it's not easy. I say it as if it were easy, but when you miss your kids or you know they're having a hard time or you know they're making some kind of stupid choice, you want to step in and you can't. Stop whining at your kids about the little things, or they're not going to listen to you about the big things.
