Q. My son’s fiancée left 18 months ago with their two young children. The relationship had many issues including immaturity, mental health, and drinking problems. When he asks for visitation he is told “no” and rarely sees his children. He doesn’t send notes, call, or video chat with them. He refuses to consult with an attorney and his mother has not sought support. But he is bitter, angry, and victimized. I missed my grandchildren so a year ago I started making arrangements for my children to meet with the other grandmother. My mother prefers all communication to be through her. I arrange family time for the children’s milestones. When visitation is scheduled, I always let my son know and he comes along. Then he takes the visitation personally and the grandparents get to watch their father take the kids to the zoo. I’m starting to feel frustrated and resentful and would love to see the kids without him. But the kids come first and they need to see their dad! What is etiquette for a grandma?
A. If your son has a history of mental illness and self-medication, it is to be expected that you are fighting to ensure his success. As you described, someone's close relatives can become codependent and feel that not being involved will ensure their relatives fail. It seems like you are also fighting to advocate for your grandchildren. You believe that if you don't keep the door open for father-child interaction, it won't happen, and ultimately it will hurt your children.
This is understandable but unsustainable.
It'll be exhausting and, as you stated, you'll end up frustrated and resentful. When that happens, no one wins – neither you, nor your son, and certainly not the children in question.
A bit off topic, you don't mention whether there is a formal parenting plan, but the visitation you refer to is actually supervised visitation. That may be the most appropriate form of visitation considering what you say, I don't know. But it's not up to you to provide supervision. If you feel uneasy, there are facilities with professionals who can provide supervision, and it's usually court ordered. It's rare for a parent to only agree to supervised visitation without being told they have to by a court. I think there may be more to this story.
When it comes to good father etiquette, you are looking for a solution. It is very good father etiquette, but it is a solution for your son, not for you. It is your responsibility to maintain a relationship with your grandchildren, and it is the father's responsibility to lay the foundation for a relationship with his grandchildren.
Even if he's struggling, that's not an excuse not to reach out. If he needs to get counseling, see a doctor, hire a lawyer and get his life back on track, that's his responsibility as an adult. You might want to get counseling too. Unfortunately, the courts may have to step in, but let your dad act as a parent. You be a grandma. That's the good courtesy.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-Parenting and Building Stronger Families.” She can be contacted at www.bonusfamilies.com or [email protected].)
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