Dear Eric: My late wife of 39 years knew I had clinical depression and was very supportive of me during my week-long stay in a psychiatric ward followed by several months in outpatient treatment.
I lost my husband in 2020 and am in a committed relationship with a woman of two years. I moved into her house six months ago. I have been confiding in her that my depression is mostly under control with medication, but I have never mentioned my hospitalization 12 years ago. Now that we've come this far in our relationship, should I risk everything by telling her my entire mental health history?
— Afraid to share
Dear Mr. Share: If your girlfriend loves you enough to share her home with you, she must love you enough to embrace all parts of you, even the parts you find embarrassing. That being said, it's okay not to mention what happened 12 years ago.
It reminds me of a song called “At This Point in My Life” by Tracy Chapman, which I listened to over and over again when I was in my twenties and feeling really depressed. A lot of the song is about someone who is scared that they're only defined by the mistakes they've made. But near the end, there's this line:
At this point in my life, I want to live as if love is the only thing that matters, as if salvation is right in front of me, as if the quest to live honestly is all anyone needs, whether or not I find it.
I have found solace in it for decades.
Let her know you feel safe talking to her, she'll be patient and hold you close. Don't let shame convince you that any part of your mental health journey makes you unlovable, and give yourself permission to leave some parts of the past in the past.
Dear Eric: I have several friends who are facing really tragic situations, like the untimely death of a sibling or a serious illness of a spouse. I know the worst thing I can do is disappear, but I'm also afraid I'll say the wrong thing or put my friends in a position where they have to comfort me. How can I support people in terrible situations without inadvertently saying something that might make them feel worse? I grieve for them, but I don't want to inadvertently hurt them.
— Walking on eggshells
Dear Eggshells: When we talk to people going through difficult times, we often stumble around trying to find the perfect thing that will make everything better, like a greeting card or a magic spell. We forget our true power: to empathize, to listen and sometimes to lend a helping hand.
So ask, “Is there anything you need right now?” Or, “I'm sorry you found yourself in this situation. Would you like to talk about it?” And listen to the answer.
When you actively listen, your brain isn't consumed with searching for the words that will make everything go away. There are no words that will make everything go away. Accept that, release yourself from the responsibility, and know that you may say something that doesn't feel right. And that's okay. Sometimes all you need are, “I love you. I'm sorry. I'm here.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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