Dear Abby: My husband and I have been married for two years and together for five. He is an amazing man who I love dearly. I have always felt called to be a mother, and he feels the same way about being a father. He would be a great father, and I want to raise our children with him.
The struggle is that over the past year or so I've learned a lot more about pregnancy and birth and the toll it takes on a mother mentally and physically. Several friends who have given birth recently have experienced serious complications.
Abby, after learning all this information I am scared to get pregnant because so many things could go wrong and I have chronic illnesses that could be exacerbated by pregnancy. I also question the ethics of bringing a child into the world when I know how terrible a place it is and there are so many children who already need homes, but that is nothing compared to my fears about the health issues.
My husband doesn't want to adopt our first child unless we can't get pregnant or I can carry the baby, but he would be open to adoption after we've tried to have children. Either way, adoption or surrogacy is not financially feasible for us.
I don't know how to tell him I don't want to have children. We're a little older and my biological clock is ticking. How can I overcome my fear and give him what we both deeply desire? — Fear in Pennsylvania
Dear Terrified: I discussed your letter with Michelle Milovina, an obstetrician-gynecologist in Beverly Hills. Her first response was, “That's a very common question.” I hope this makes you feel a little better.
Dr Milovina adds that if you're feeling anxious due to an existing health condition (like you are), it's time to book a pre-pregnancy appointment with your obstetrician-gynaecologist or perinatologist – a doctor who specialises in high-risk pregnancies – so you can know the actual percentages and numbers and make an informed decision.
If you're still worried, a consultation with a reproductive psychiatrist (yes, they exist) may help ease your fears. This is a decision you should make together with your husband, so you can involve him in the consultation.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
