Sleeping apart can sometimes help repair relationships. Photo: STOCK4B GMBH
While it may sound like something that happens when a relationship is going south, sleeping in separate rooms is increasingly being seen as an effective way to keep couples together.
Sleep is absolutely essential to your health and happiness, but getting a decent night's rest can be impossible if you're sleeping next to someone who snores, has vastly different body temperatures, restless legs, different schedules, or anything else that could be a distraction.
That's why more and more couples are appreciating the “sleep divorce.”
A new study by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that 21% of American adults sleep in separate locations from their partner, with the rate higher among younger couples, with 26% of Americans ages 25-34 claiming to do so.
But sleep divorces aren't just a modern fad.
Sleep experts and anthropologists delving into the practice have uncovered a fascinating tapestry of cultural, historical and psychological factors that influence how and why couples choose to embrace this unconventional practice, and why some couples reject it.
Dan Ford is Clinical Director of the Better Sleep Clinic in New Zealand and specializes in sleep and insomnia treatment. He has worked with military special operations forces and professional sports teams to improve sleep.
“As we work clinically with people with sleep disorders, it's not uncommon to encounter couples who choose to sleep in separate rooms because of their sleep problems,” Ford told Sunday Morning.
“It seems to be more popular with younger generations. I think with millennials, up to 40 percent say they have a separate sleep environment.”
“If both people chose that relationship because they thought it would help them sleep better, then there's really no stigma[of a relationship going cold]. There's probably less of that stigma in younger generations.”
A woman sleeping in bed. Photo: 123RF
While many couples choose to sleep in separate places, some are forced to do so.
“Clinically, we see people who literally cannot sleep next to another person, and it has a (huge impact on) their ability to have a partner,” Ford said.
“Some people can't sleep without their partner, and then there are people who have normal relationships somewhere in between. So it's very diverse and very subjective.”
Sleep divorce may sound like a modern and unconventional concept, but in Japan, parts of Scandinavia, and some Muslim and Jewish cultures, it is not and has never been uncommon for married couples to sleep separately.
However, by the 1800s it had become common in Western society.
“Anthropologists have written books on the cultural anthropology of sleep and sleep environments,” Ford said. “In the Victorian era, (sleep divorces) likely reflected changing times. People were starting to have more opportunities to sleep apart for a variety of reasons, and they were choosing to do so.”
“In the Victorian era, most marriages would still have been arranged. It wasn't until the 20th century that Western culture saw people choosing to marry, making a personal choice, and actually wanting to sleep next to their partner.”
“In the past, it might have been like, 'Yeah, let's sleep together and have a few kids and that's it.'”
For modern, loving couples in Western society, sleeping apart may be seen as stigmatizing. To counter that, Ford suggested dropping the term “sleep divorce” altogether. Instead, each member of a couple could have a room that they dedicate to their “sleep sanctuary,” which may or may not be a shared bedroom.
Sleeping man turning off his alarm clock Photo: 123RF
Couples who worry about the negative effects of sleeping in separate rooms should also keep in mind that most people don't engage in engaging conversations or bonding while asleep, Ford said.
Couples can do what they like together during waking hours, but spend actual bedtime apart at night.
“It's always good to talk about what you want to do as a couple. We always encourage couples to make sure they spend some time together at the beginning of the night and then go their separate ways when they're ready to sleep,” Ford said.
“It will help with intimacy.”
A sleep divorce doesn't have to be permanent either – couples can of course try it out, see if it works, and go back to sleeping together if it doesn't.
For some couples, sleeping apart to improve the quality of their waking time together can help preserve their relationship.
