Memo to parents everywhere: A new parenting term has entered the lexicon: “Venmo Mom.”
Now you might want to grab a cup of coffee or tea and sit back, because the broader discussion about parenting styles that this quote has sparked is an important one.
Getty Images/Momo Productions
What are “Venmo Moms”?
First, some very important context: Casey Neal, a mom from Tennessee, recently posted a TikTok video explaining that she prefers donating money to support her children's schools and sports teams rather than volunteering.
“What if the room mom needs money for everyone's entry fee? Sure. I'll Venmo them right away…I don't want to set that up…I told one of the coaches today I'm the Venmo mom.”
Neil ended the video with the caption, “Proud of you Venmo mom.”
This mother noted that while she, of course, makes sure her kids do their homework and get to school on time, it can be stressful when her children's schools or sports teams ask parents to set aside volunteer hours.
“I don't know about other people, but I find 'meet the teacher' so stressful. I don't want to have anything to do with it,” says Neil, a mother of four. “I don't want to have anything to do with the PTO, the PTA, the room moms, the team moms. I don't want to do any of that.”
She also worries that she often faces criticism from other parents when she chooses not to volunteer, adding in the video's caption, “I get criticized by class moms and team moms.”
To my delight, the overwhelming majority of comments on Neil's post were positive.
One person wrote, “Venmo moms are involved! Don't underestimate yourself! (veteran teacher).”
Another said: “I'm an introvert so don't ask me but I'll send you all my stuff and money and cheer you on from the stands.”
Parents who volunteer are also fully supportive of Venmo parents: “As a room mom, team mom, I'm so grateful that you're a Venmo mom!” said one parent.
However, some questioned Neil's reluctance to volunteer. “Can I ask why?” asked one commenter, with another adding: “It was so much fun, I don't understand why people don't volunteer. My sons are grown and have their own families now and they both say it was great that they volunteered.”
Don't feel guilty about not volunteering at your school.
There are many reasons why volunteering at your child's school might not be on your to-do list, and there's no need to feel guilty about the choices you make as a parent when it comes to your level of involvement in school, extracurricular activities, or other activities.
Of course, every parent has the right to do what is convenient for them, and that means volunteering to the extent that they feel comfortable.
“Parents are doing the best they can, and oftentimes they're juggling multiple roles each day, so they have to choose what's within their capabilities, and we all know we can't do it all,” says parenting expert and positive psychologist Leena Patel, LEP, BCBA.
Choosing how to respond for your children and in a way that protects your own mental wellbeing as a parent is a valid and important decision, Patel adds.
“It doesn't matter as long as you're showing up in some way and doing what's best for you and your family,” Patel said, “and that may look like you're showing up to help out financially.”
Volunteering in schools can be stressful
It also goes without saying that there is absolutely no need to judge other parents' decisions.
Ruth Ettenberg Freeman, clinical social worker, founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, noticed that Neal mentioned stress three times in her TikTok videos about being a Venmo mom, and it's important to support her and other moms' choices rather than criticize or judge them.
“In my decades of work as a parenting educator and psychotherapist, I've heard from many parents about their anxieties about interacting with schools and educators, based on their own childhood experiences and, sometimes, school-related trauma,” Ettenberg Freeman says.
Your own past experiences in school environments may have included humiliation, harsh punishment, racism, bullying, or other serious harm. There is no way to know what the specific triggers were, or if there were any.
“But it's clear that going to your child's school, or even engaging with educators, is somehow extremely painful,” Ettenberg Freeman added, saying that Neal, or any parent who expresses such feelings, “deserves sympathy, not condemnation.”
It's best to choose the method that suits you best
Whether you use Venmo, Teams, or RoomParent is entirely up to you. This is your parenting journey, so do what works for you and your child.
“Parents should never be judged for thinking about how they can help,” Patel said. “Ultimately, this mom is helping out in any way she can. She chose to donate, but it's definitely a contribution and she's not the first parent to do this.”
Some parents may have time to volunteer or attend classes, others may not have the time because of work commitments or simply want to contribute in other ways, and it's equally valid no matter where you fall on that spectrum.
“There's a place for every type of parent,” Patel added.
